5 Things I've Learned About Making Peace With Others

This year, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to make peace with others. Like everyone else, I have less-than-perfect relationships in my life. The brokenness in this world—and in myself—causes fractures between me and the people I care deeply about.

I believe sin is anything we do that breaks the Shalom (the peace) we have with God, others, or ourselves. (I didn’t make that up myself. But it’s the best definition of sin I’ve ever heard.) Sin divides us. But Jesus offers us a path to restore those broken relationships.

In the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7), Jesus unveils a new way of living. He is like a king giving his inaugural address. He shows us what it looks like to live as citizens of God's Kingdom.

Jesus' vision is strange to us because God's Kingdom runs contrary to how humans normally operate. Sure, his ideas may seem cute and cuddly, but it's hard to imagine living them out in the "real world."

But that's the beauty of it all! If we open our imaginations to Jesus' way of life, we can experience a taste of heaven right here and now.

Jesus opens his inaugural address with a series of upside-down blessings. We may expect a king to say, "Blessed are the strong," or "Blessed are the popular." But instead, he says things like this:

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. 
(Matthew 5:9, NIV)

Jesus values peacemaking in his kingdom. And I want to share five things I've learned about making peace with others.

These five things are not "steps" to take. I wouldn't call them "tips" either, because that makes the whole thing sound too easy. You can't systemize peacemaking. It's messy work!

These are just five things God has taught me over the past few months. So please take whatever is helpful to you, and feel free to share with me what God has taught you about peacemaking.

Okay, here we go...

1. Peacemaking is What Residents of God's Kingdom Do


As I said above, peacemaking is a core tenet of God's kingdom. If we are followers of Jesus, then we are peacemakers. There's no way around it!

No, we won't do it perfectly. We won't always get it right. But that's why we need Jesus to guide us.

For much of my life, I was a peacekeeper. I've never liked conflict. So, when problems came up, especially among family, I tried to keep the peace and make everyone happy.

But peacekeeping will exhaust you. It involves managing other people's emotions. 

If I know Person A doesn't like Person B, I try to make sure they're never in the same room together.

If Person C and Person D have different views on a topic, I try to make sure that topic never comes up.

If Person E is easily angered, I always agree with them, even if I secretly disagree.

Does any of this sound familiar? I feel myself getting anxious just thinking about these scenarios!

Peacemaking is different. As a peacemaker, my goal is not to manage or change the other person. I know the only person I can control is myself. So, instead of passively trying to control situations, I choose to extend peace to others. This requires wading into tough conversations and acknowledging disagreements. It's difficult work!

In his series of blessings, Jesus also gives this one:

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
(Matthew 5:6, NIV)

"Righteousness" seems like one of those churchy, Bible-y words. But all it means is to live in right relationship with God and others. As citizens of God's kingdom, we value being in right relationship with everyone. (Or, as the 13-year-old version of me might put it, being "cool with everyone.")

When a relationship is not right, whether with our spouse or the employee behind the fast food counter, we work to fix it. But we can't control how the other person responds.

It reminds me of Paul's words to the Romans:

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
(Romans 12:17–18, NIV)

2. The Other Person is Messy, Broken, & Loved by God... Like Me!


Let's get specific. Think of a person you long to make peace with. You may have several people in mind, but start with one. It could be a difficult family member who makes things tense at every holiday gathering. Or maybe it's a coworker who constantly disrespects you.

I've learned that before I can make peace with someone, I need to reframe my view of them. I need to see them as a person who is messy and broken, and yet deeply loved by God.

This doesn't mean I ignore or overlook the ways they've hurt me. (That would be peacekeeping as opposed to peacemaking.) But it does mean I acknowledge that they have hurt in their life, too. I don't know all the things they're dealing with right now. Their anger may have nothing to do with me.

I also don't know what God is doing in their life. They are on a journey just as I am—a journey that's not in my control. So, before I do anything else, it's wise to ask God for wisdom and guidance.

A simple prayer might be, "God, I long to make peace with this person. But I can't do it without you. You know more about this situation than I do. You know what is going on in their life. You know the struggles they are going through. Please guide me as I attempt to make peace with them."

Along those same lines, I need to recognize I am not perfect, either. I am a broken person who needs grace every day. Thankfully, I, too, am deeply loved by God.

Peacemaking begins with having compassion for both the other person and ourselves.

3. Move Toward the Other Person With Love & Truth


I got this phrase from Tim Tedder, a counselor I saw many years ago. He always encouraged me to move toward others "in love and truth." Recently, I've been reflecting on what good advice this is.

Love without truth is a symptom of peacekeeping. We don't want to "rock the boat," so we hold in how we feel to keep the peace.

But truth without love also finds its roots in peacekeeping. How so? Well, when we hold in our true feelings long enough, we begin to grow resentful. And one day, the cauldron bubbles over, and we spew out words that may be true but are also filled with rage. The other person is taken aback by this. They had no idea we felt like this for so long.

Recently, I was in a situation where I needed to move toward another person in love and truth. They had said some things that I did not agree with. If I tried to ignore it, I knew resentment would build in me, and it would hurt our relationship in the future. So, I decided to be a peacemaker.

It wasn't easy. It took me out of my comfort zone. I even started the conversation with, "Hey, it's hard for me to say this. But I've been trying to move toward others in love and truth..."

In the end, the conversation made our relationship stronger.

4. Be Bold! Be Specific!


As I've tried to move toward people in love and truth, I've realized I can't expect them to read my mind. I need to be specific about what I want. And that means I need to know what I want!

This will entirely depend on the situation. But it's worth thinking about before reaching out to the other person.

Are you seeking forgiveness from someone? Then, when you reach out to them, apologize and ask for their forgiveness.

Or maybe you have been hurt by someone. Part of moving toward others in love and truth is being honest about your feelings (the truth part) while also not thinking the worst of them (the love part).

Imagine your cousin said some mean things about you at Uncle Pete's birthday party. You haven't talked since. Peacemaking might look like reaching out and saying, "Hey, your words at the barbecue really hurt me. But I love you, and I don't want to lose our relationship. I want to hear your perspective on this. Can we meet for coffee next week and talk through this?"

Peacemaking is difficult because it requires you to be vulnerable. And being specific about what you are seeking opens yourself up to be rejected.

That person may never forgive you.

Your cousin may say no to meeting for coffee.

It hurts.

But that's why the final thing to remember is so important...

5. Leave the Outcome up to God (& Keep a Soft Heart)


Earlier, I said that peacemakers don't try to control other people. They recognize the other person is on their own journey with God.

If you've done everything you can to make peace with someone, but it's not reciprocated, trust them to God. They may be fighting battles you don't know about. It may have nothing at all to do with you.

Above all, ask God to keep your heart soft for them. Resist the temptation to grow bitter. Because one day, you may get a phone call out of the blue. And like the prodigal son, what they'll need from you isn't a lecture but a welcome home party.

As we close, I have one more tip I thought of as I wrote this. (Okay, okay, I said these aren't tips... One more thing I've learned.)

Peacemaking is best done when you have a community supporting you. As you begin the process of making peace with someone, tell at least one fellow Jesus follower who you trust. They can pray for and support you through the process. They can be a source of wisdom and encouragement. They can remind you that God loves you no matter the outcome.

And there's peace in knowing that.


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